My Ex Is a Narcissist…

“My ex is a narcissist.”

“My ex is abusive.”

“My ex is mentally ill.”

“My ex is dangerous.”

These are phrases we hear all the time.

Sometimes they’re true.

But sometimes they’re not.

And sometimes both former partners genuinely believe these things about each other.

When that happens, each side can become convinced they’re fighting the “bad guy.”

They stop cooperating.

They fight over the children.

They fight over money.

Every disagreement becomes another piece of evidence that the other person is the problem.

Sometimes this is driven by revenge.

More often, it’s driven by genuine belief.

But here’s a question worth asking:

Can both people really be as terrible as the other claims?

And another question that is just as important:

Every time someone genuinely believes these things about their ex, are they necessarily right?

Usually not.

People rarely see each other objectively after years of conflict.

When a relationship has been filled with hurt, disappointment, arguments, and resentment, it’s easy to begin viewing everything the other person does through that lens. Every action confirms the story we’ve already written in our minds.

That doesn’t mean there wasn’t real pain.

And it certainly doesn’t mean genuine abuse doesn’t exist, it does, and it must always be taken seriously.

But many people mistake a dysfunctional relationship for a dysfunctional person.

There’s a difference.

A relationship can become so unhealthy that it brings out the worst in both people.

Stress.

Constant conflict.

Disappointment.

Years of hurt.

When we live in that environment, we often become versions of ourselves that even we don’t recognise.

That doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour.

But it does remind us to separate the person from the relationship.

Perhaps your ex isn’t as bad as you think.

Perhaps you aren’t either.

Perhaps you were two decent people trapped in a relationship that wasn’t bringing out the best in either of you.

Of course, there are situations involving genuine abuse, coercive control, or real danger. Those cases must be taken seriously, and protecting yourself and your children comes first.

But in many separations, the greatest obstacle to moving forward isn’t who the other person is today, it’s the picture we’ve frozen in our minds from the worst moments of the marriage.

Healing often begins when we stop asking, “Who was the villain?” and start asking, “What happened to us, and how can we move forward in the healthiest way possible?”