How Not to Fall Out with your lender

Borrowing money is a major part of life. At different stages, almost everyone needs help, whether it’s to get through a difficult period, start a business, cover unexpected expenses, or simply make ends meet.

The Torah doesn’t discourage borrowing, and it certainly encourages lending. In fact, lending money is one of the greatest acts of kindness because it helps someone before they reach the point of needing charity.

The Torah says:

“אִם כֶּסֶף תַּלְוֶה אֶת עַמִּי” “When you lend money to My people…” (Shemos 22:24)

Rashi, quoting the Mechilta, notes that although the word “אם” usually means “if,” here it is one of three exceptions in the Torah where it means “when.” Lending money to someone in need is not merely optional, it is a mitzvah.

The Rambam famously writes that the highest form of tzedakah is helping someone become self-sufficient, and one of the ways to do that is by giving them a loan before they fall into poverty. (Mishneh Torah, Hilchos Matanos Aniyim 10:7)

But loans have to be handled properly. Expectations should be clear, repayments discussed, and ideally everything agreed upon in advance. When those conversations don’t happen, misunderstandings can quickly become arguments.

However, even when everything is done properly, life happens.

Sometimes a person genuinely wants to repay the loan but simply can’t.

So how do you avoid losing a friendship or damaging a relationship?

1. Pay Something, Even If It’s Small If you can only afford $1 a day, pay $1 a day.

If all you can manage is $5 a month, then pay $5 a month.

The amount isn’t always the most important thing. The message is.

It tells the lender:

“I haven’t forgotten you. I’m trying. I take this seriously.”

People appreciate effort.

2. Be the One Who Communicates Don’t wait for the lender to chase you.

Make it your responsibility to update them.

A simple message saying:

“I haven’t forgotten. I’m still working on it. This is what I can pay this week.”

can make a huge difference.

Many people avoid these conversations because they’re embarrassed. That’s understandable, but in reality, avoiding the lender usually makes things worse.

Why Do Lenders Get Upset? In my experience, it’s usually for one of three reasons:

1. They need the money themselves. 2. They don’t want the stress of constantly chasing someone. 3. They feel ignored or disrespected. You may not be able to solve the first problem if you genuinely don’t have the money.

But you can solve the second and third.

Communicate.

Keep them updated.

Show that you’re doing everything you reasonably can.

Respect goes a long way.

Money problems don’t have to become relationship problems. Honest communication, consistent effort, and showing that you care can preserve trust even during difficult financial times.

Sometimes paying a little and communicating a lot does more to protect a relationship than staying silent while hoping things will somehow improve.